Forcing Things That Won’t Fit

I’ve been to many galaxies since the last update.

I’ve been engaged in my own band since November of last year, and I am happy with where we are going right now. I am blessed to work with some talented, down-to-earth dudes who know about real life and the love of music. I think this is most of us musicians. We just love making music. Some musicians are motivated by accoutrements. I’m motivated by connection and quality.

Sometimes, we catch a kite ride. More often than not, the kite ride ends. I’ve had a lot of kite rides end in the past few years. You could say I’ve been tested in almost every way a person can be tested. Yet, I look back at myself merely six months ago and I am glad I’m not that person. I’ve moved on from being upset about life or my lot or circumstance all the day, from whining. Lately, I run with horses and pet pit bull puppies, hike hills, make delicious kale soup, talk to girl friends who have my back and have for decades now, play music, work at a library. I am still friends with my ex husband, and still love him, and am grateful we are able to be friends still.

I love my life, whether I’m involved in big or little projects, whether I’ve “made it” or not. See, the thing is, those who’ve been keeping up here, I never cared much about the trappings, more about actually making music. I always said if I have to eat beans and rice and sleep on a mattress on the floor forever to continue to make music, I will. Sometimes, that’s just the way the world works. Have stuff or have music. I choose music.

I tend to try to force things that don’t fit in my life. Projects, people, images…

I’m stubborn.

But often, those things spit me out real quick.

And often, people come into my life only to leave it, just to give me a message or help me through one thing.

And I have a hard time letting go, even though there’s no other option.

I learned a lesson many years ago about success and what it does to people. Which is why I take everything now with a grain of salt and live each day as if it were my last. I know my friends and family don’t care if I’m Joe Schmoe or Marilyn Manson. In the end, we are all the same. We have ourselves. We are part of this world.

I wrote a song called Bliss about how the world sometimes just claws you down again and again, about taking another person’s bliss because of a lack of your own. But I’ve learned since writing that song that all bliss is internal, comes from inside. Only I can give myself permission to be happy. I used to let other people’s actions run me, but now I can watch and just observe, see, feel and be. And that’s all I can ever do. Accept. Move on. Things that don’t work won’t work, they just won’t. And this past year I’ve been trying to force things to fit that don’t want to, because I’ve lived inside my own fantasies about how I think things are.

It’s hard to let go of fantasies.

I can honestly say I love my life these days.

On another note…

I’ve got credits on two albums. What I’ve learned from the experience (I learned a butt load, but in interest of privacy, I will wait a few years to share) is now being channeled into my own project, which I’m very happy about. Everything always turns out to be the best possible outcome for me lately, and for that I’m grateful. I won’t be touring with the krautrock projects. I’m still planning on touring with my own projects in the future and look forward to all the new projects I will be in in upcoming years.


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